OK—I’m sure that most of you remember New York Times columnist Charles Blow’s infamous “minstrel show” column—you know, the one where he complained about how many white people were at the Dallas Tea Party. In that awful column, Blow also wrote that the minorities who spoke at the Dallas Tea Party were “putting on a minstrel show” for the white man, and he accused them of trying to prove to the predominately white crowd that they were “the good ones”. Now, I remember being absolutely outraged after reading Blow’s “minstrel show” hit piece—but, I think that was only a natural reaction. I mean, after all, his column was outrageous. So, being in a state of shock and outrage, I wrote a diary responding to Charles Blow where I called him a “racist idiot”. (I feel no remorse about that diary—Blow definitely earned the title.)
Now, Mr. Blow wrote another column this past Friday that was equally as outrageous as the “minstrel show” one. In this column titled, “Trying to Outrun Race”, Charles Blow, again, accused the Tea Party of Racism (big surprise there) with little facts to back up his assertion, and he also called the Tea Party “a Frankenstein movement”. (Classy, huh?) However, this time around, for some reason, I just wasn’t as livid as I was after initially reading the “minstrel show” column. What I felt more than anger was simply boredom. I mean, the guy is just so predictable—he says the same things over and over and over again. In other words, in order to be outrageous, the element of surprise has to be there. I think that Robert Stacy McCain summed up Charles Blow perfectly when he wrote the following—
- The Tea Party movement is anti-Obama;
- Obama is black;
- Ergo, the Tea Party movement is racist.
However, if you will permit me, I would like to read between the lines and sum up what Mr. Blow really meant when he wrote his last two columns (and what he is really trying to say in every column that he will write for next six months)—
“God, I hate those bitter, gun-clinging, racist, redneck “Deliverance” cast members that attend those stupid Tea Parties. When I was attending the Dallas Tea Party, I felt like I was trapped in an episode of “Hee Haw”. In fact, I hate them almost as much as those Uncle Toms that get up and do a minstrel show for those teabaggers in order to get their approval. I don’t know who is worse.
Yeah, yeah, I know that I caught some grief for writing that the minorities speaking at the Dallas Tea Party were “putting on a minstrel show”, but hey, I’m a brilliant writer for The New York Times (they must think that I’m brilliant, because I’m really a graphic designer, and yet they let me write about politics—I know, it’s a great business model), so I have to call it like I see it. And, I know that I also caught some grief from Laura Ingraham when I admitted on her radio show that I didn’t talk to a single person at the Dallas Tea Party (remember—I am not not a journalist after all), but hey, why should I lower myself and go converse with those troglodytes? They’re all a bunch of stupid hillbillies and Uncle Toms. They don’t like Obama, so it’s only logical that they are all racists or self-loathing blacks, right? Besides, they are totally unlike me. I am an enlightened beacon of tolerance who would never judge a person by their appearance without getting to know them first. They wouldn’t know a true racist if he was staring at them in the mirror”.
Now, about Frank Rich. Well, he is a little simpler to dissect than Charles Blow—and even more predictable (if that’s possible). Put it this way—Frank Rich detests the Tea Party and conservatives so much, that he makes Charles Blow look like an amateur in the hatred department. For instance, in one Frank Rich’s recent columns, he stated that all opposition to Obamacare is rooted in race hatred. In fact, Frank Rich hates the Tea Party with such a passion, that he, literally, hallucinated and wrote in that same column that he “watched goons hurls slurs at John Lewis”. Well, we all know that would have been impossible, because no video has EVER surfaced of ANY protester at that infamous DC Tea Party shouting any racial slurs at any of the black congressmen (even though Andrew Breitbart offered a $100,000 reward to anybody who could produce one).
So, I bet you are now asking yourself if Frank Rich ever apologized to the DC Tea Party protesters for slandering them? No such luck. Instead, he wrote another column where he admitted that no video had ever shown up of anyone shouting racial slurs at black congressmen, but still managed to insist that the Tea Party movement was based on racism none the less. Now, I bet you are wondering on what evidence did Mr. Rich base his insightful deduction that the Tea Party is based on racism? Well, in his column Frank Rich claimed that the Tea party is racist because Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell decided to bring back Confederate History Month. Now, I agree that might have been a kind of tone deaf and insensitive move on Governor McDonnell’s part (and McDonnell has since apologized for not mentioning slavery as part of Confederate History Month). However, I don’t know what in the world Bob McDonnell and Confederate History Month have to do with the Tea Party. That’s a whole six degrees of Kevin Bacon that I simply can not follow.
And what’s more unbelievable, is that Frank Rich has become so predictable with his race baiting, that he’s even starting to bore liberals with it (and my friends, that’s quite an accomplishment). Liberal Daily Beast columnist, Lee Siegel, wrote the following about Frank Rich and his perpetual obsession with the Tea Party—
“Frank Rich portrays them as democracy’s most powerful nemesis in just about every column he writes. “
“They’re racists, concludes the ever sanctimonious Frank Rich, and you come away from one of his complacent squibs feeling that you’ve met the enemy, had him analyzed and explained to you, and now you—and all decent-minded people—have your work clearly cut out for you.”
Anyway, it’s been my experience in life that people will forgive you for being stupid (stupid people are at least entertaining); however, they will not forgive you for being boring.
Now, since I’ve already analyzed what Charles Blow was really thinking when wrote his nasty columns, please indulge me and allow me to crawl into Frank Rich’s head as well—
“OK—I freely admit it. I am totally unqualified for this job (I am really a theater critic, not a political analyst), and I see racist people. Now, the reason why I see racist people is because all of my liberal friends at The New York Times, who claim to know so much about politics, tell me that everyone outside of Manhattan and Hollywood is a racist (even Massachusetts voted for a teabagging pick-up truck driver). As previously stated, I really know NOTHING about politics or about people who don’t run in my narrow circles, so I just assume that my colleagues are correct. Furthermore, my colleagues at The New York Times and my liberal readers really seem to love it when I scream “RAAAAACIST!!” in every column, so I say if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. Besides, “Cats” ran on Broadway for almost twenty years—so, if they could run the same show night after night for that long, and people didn’t tire of it, then I should be able to write the same column week after week.”
“Oh, and one more thing. I have a serious man-crush on Obama. I mean, the man just radiates awesomeness; therefore, racism HAS to be the only reason why someone could not like him. It couldn’t possibly be his policies (which I really don’t know much about anyway), because everything he does is just so magical. No, if someone doesn’t like Obama, it MUST be racism dammit! Well, I’m telling you that there are racists all around America (heck, America is a racist country—my friends all tell me so), and so I’ve made it my raison d’etre to root them out.”
“There are racists on my floor, there are racists at my door. There are racists at the bar, there are racists under my car. There are racists under my bed, there are racists in my head. There are racists here and there, there are racists EVERYWHERE!!”
“I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I Am—but, I really don’t like eating them with RAAAAACISTS!!”
So, in conclusion, yes, I used to get outraged whenever I read one of Charles Blow’s or Frank Rich’s slanderous columns—now, I just feel like I’m in the movie “Groundhog Day”, because they both write the same columns over and over and over again. I’m sorry, but I can’t help but be reminded of Chris Rock’s stand up when he jokes about how exasperating it is to listen to someone tell the same story over and over again—
“Hey, honey, did I tell you about the time I….”
“Yeah, you told me about that time you…!”
“Okay, well, then, honey, did I tell you about the time I….”
“Yeah, you told me about that time you…”
“Well, how about the time I…..”
“YEAH YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT TIME! NOW, WHY DON’T YOU GO OUT AND GET KIDNAPPED OR SOMETHING SO YOU HAVE A NEW STORY TO TELL ME!”
Please don’t get me wrong—I am NOT hoping that Charles Blow or Frank Rich will get kidnapped. Unlike them, I am not dripping with hatred. I just wish that they would totally lie and make up a story about getting kidnapped, so that I wouldn’t have to read the same boring and predictable drivel every weekend in The New York Times. However, knowing those two, they would probably even find a way to screw that up and make it boring by race-baiting. I can see the headline of their columns now—“I was Kidnapped by a Pregnant, Racist Teabagger Wearing a Sarah Palin Shirt who was Screaming Racial Slurs”. But, I digress.
Anyway, my point is that after much soul-searching, I realized that I actually feel sorry for Charles Blow and Frank Rich (gasp). They are, literally, pitiful. I mean, it must totally suck having to walk around with that much hatred for your fellow man (and fellow Americans) bottled up inside of you. Oh, and one more thing—it must really suck to be that boring. Come to think of it, I also feel sorry for their friends and family. Could you even imagine having to hang out with either one them for an extended period of time and having to listen, repeatedly, to them rail on about how the Tea Party is a racist militia group that’s trying to ruin America?!
And, what’s more is that what makes these guys even more pathetic than they already seem, is that they are completely oblivious to the fact that they are pathetic. They think that they are awesome! I hate to unleash my inner mean girl here, but they seem like the kids in high school who think that they are so cool, but don’t realize that everyone is either laughing at them or feeling sorry for them. (The video that I embedded below totally reminds me of Charles Blow and Frank Rich—and pretty much the entire New York Times op-ed page with the exception of Ross Douthat. I think that it should be their theme song.) Tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to say a prayer for Charles Blow and Frank Rich. First of all, Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”. And second of all, these guys need all of the prayers/help that they can get because they are just brimming with hatred, which is extremely unhealthy—oh, and they are really, really BORING!
PS—Thanks for reading. You guys are DEFINITELY AWESOME!!